Global Warming Is a Conspiracy, Admit World’s Scientists, Governments, Media
Global warming is a myth invented by the world’s rich and powerful, we all admitted today.
In a joint statement, several million people simultaneously confirmed this morning what the Western World’s population of lonely, stupid and paranoid men with an over-exposure to internet message boards had all long-suspected: Global warming is a conspiracy to raise taxes.
The admission comes on the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, a moment which we all now admit was when we took the lie too far.
And as Pakistan this month literally drowns in a disaster that can entirely be blamed on God, we now urge you not to send any donations to the Disasters Emergency Committee (DEC) because it will only be used to pay for the champagne bill at our next big conspiracy meeting, in the Maldives.
Reacting to the news, Exxon Mobil boss Rex Tillerson said: “I knew it! Didn’t I tell you? They just needed a really good reason to put a tax on fossil fuels – apart from the fact they’re going to run out soon.
“So we’ve been lobbying governments for years to try and put a stop to this climate change nonsense, but they never listened to us because the oil industry is just nowhere near powerful enough.”
The beginning of the end to this conspiracy, we can now reveal, was when a group of lonely, stupid and paranoid white men hacked into the University of East Anglia’s email account last autumn, subsequently revealing the shocking, under-hand methods climate scientists had been using to try and avert the apocalypse.
“It was going so well right up to that point,” the written statement continued.
“The aim was to get everyone onside in time for [the UN climate change summit in] Copenhagen, when world governments would all finally put pen to paper on our huge, scandalous global carbon tax that would have lifted billions out of poverty.
“But as soon as the email scandal broke, we had to quickly abort the plan and pretend that none of us could agree on how to generate the cash, or whether we should even be taxing people at all.
“Since then, it’s just been a matter of when, not if, we revealed our grand conspiracy to the world.”
The date of 29th August 2010 was chosen because of its significance to the conspiratorial community, for it was on this day five years ago that we faked Hurricane Katrina.
“We paid New Orleans’ black population to spend a couple of weeks looking sorry for themselves, and that was that.
“It’s amazing what you can do when you bribe Hollywood’s finest special effects teams.”
From that day forth the conspiracy was set. The point of no return had been passed. James Hansen, a leading conspirator, told The Taxman: “The biggest hurdle was always George Bush.
“However much we offered to bribe him, he just wouldn’t buy it. He was too honest a human being to go along with it.
“But when that disingenuous Obama got in, we thought we’d hit the jackpot. Darn it, if only we’d accounted for those lonely, stupid, paranoid virgins who used the internet so effectively to smoke us out.
“To think, up to that point, not a single one of the several million people who had to be in on this conspiracy had broken ranks or been found out.
“I suppose, on reflection, it wasn’t a great plan. The amount we had to pay in bribes far outweighed the sum we were going to raise in taxes.”
Today’s conspiracy admission also confirmed that the floods in Pakistan, the heatwave in Russia, the drought in Niger, the heatwave in North America, the mudslides in China, the melting glaciers in Greenland, the hottest first eight months of the year ever recorded; all were coincidentally happening at the same time thanks to one big, ironic Act of God.
“Instead of reducing carbon emissions and preparing ourselves for environmental catastrophe, what we must do is pray,” the statement concluded.
“Pray really, really hard.”
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