Euro Leaders Solve Capitalism With ‘More Capitalism’
The best way to solve a problem caused by capitalism is to smother it all over with lots and lots of more juicy capitalism, a bunch of suited politicians agreed last night.
The ingenious solution to Europe’s debt and currency crises was negotiated between national leaders and their bosses, the banks, during an epic drink and drugs binge that had doctors calling out for liver donors.
A hammered Nicolas Sarkozy, who runs France, told reporters this morning: “I care not what my doctor say to me.
“Apparently my liver is, how you say, completely fucked arse.
“But if I don’t drink more capital bonds soon, I tell you, those bankers won’t get rich by themselves.
“They need our help.”
Silvio Berlusconi, despite hinting that he would quit capitalism by Christmas, said he needed a glass of red wine right now, you pussies.
“Where is wine? Where is it?” he asked German boss Angela Merkel.
“Look bitch, I don’t know who the tits you think you are, but I heard you’ve been hoarding all the booze and credit capacity.
“Give it to me now you skanky whore.”
The financial markets reacted to yesterday’s epic relapse by ordering a massive shipment of crack cocaine from European taxpayers.
Greek premier George Papandreou said it was about bloody time.
“What took you so long? I put in an order for more heroin months ago, years in fact,” he said, struggling not to vomit.
“We need it to get our economy growing again, provide jobs, and help Greek bankers get off their faces.
“Give me the crack.”
Back in Blighty, Chancellor George Osborne said today that the deal in the Eurozone to cut the face value of Greek debt by half to around €100billion finally proved that it wasn’t drink or drugs that killed Amy Winehouse.
“Contrary to the analysis of the coroner, who based his judgment on evidence, what the Euro debt deal shows is that Amy died because she wasn’t getting enough booze,” he said.
“Well, Britain, I will make sure our economy does not suffer the same fate. We might be out of the Euro, but hell, we ain’t out of capitalism.
“We’re addicted to it.”
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