Ebola Corporation Sues Government
Ebola Corporation claims screening passengers arriving from west Africa will slow growth of the deadly virus in Britain and prevent thousands of new jobs from being created.
The company says Ebola is a ‘huge opportunity’ for the UK and that it must be allowed to spread widely, even if the government would rather stop it because lots of people might die.
“We are not disputing that the virus might kill people in Britain, but what we will prove in court is that stopping Ebola’s penetration into the British death market would kill our profits,” a spokesman for Ebola Corporation told reporters from behind an airtight glass screen.
“Profits, are, of course, much more important than any overblown health concerns. A new free trade deal between the EU and US will shortly confirm this truth.
“This deal will mean we can take the government to court and prove that bringing Ebola into the UK will not only boost our profits, but provide huge benefits to everyone who is smart enough to wear a biohazard suit.
“We sell those by the way. Check out our website.”
Ebola Corporation’s chief executioner, Dele Adebola, said there was a “common public misconception” about the virus spread by “an overwhelmingly biased media”.
“Where is the balance?” he asked. “All the papers and TV stations are spreading fear and panic, without reporting the benefits that Ebola brings.
“Allowing the virus into your country means new investment in healthcare. It means more jobs in the pharmaceutical, security, funeral and soap industries. And it will guarantee you a seat on the train whenever you cough or sneeze.”
The free trade deal which would allow Ebola Corporation to sue the government is called the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TTIP) and is currently being negotiated between American and EU officials, despite a wave of recent protests by people who think allowing the interests of private companies to supersede those of democratically elected governments might have a few bad consequences.
But Mr Adebola has rebuffed such fears over TTIP. He said: “The profits of private companies, no matter how they are made, are more important than non-financial concerns such as health, the environment and peace.
“If the British government does not immediately repeal its financially hazardous screening operations at its airports we will use TTIP and prove in court how Ebola will provide a huge boost to our shareholders.
“None of you have vomited today, have you? Damn.”