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Death Bill To Make Saving Lives Illegal

Jeremy Hunt wielding his axeSaving lives will be made illegal by a new ‘Death Bill’ currently making its way through Parliament.

Anyone caught doing CPR, telling their mate to quit smoking or organising a campaign to save their local hospital will be thrown in jail under powers granted by the new law, should it be passed.

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt pioneered the white paper as a way for him to swing his axe wildly in public, wherever and whenever he likes.

It comes after the Tory cabinet minister was prevented from axing Lewisham Hospital’s A&E department last year by a petition, a few placards and a High Court judge.

Ahead of a committee debate over the Death Bill in the House of Commons next week, Mr Hunt said: “The Save Lewisham Hospital campaign proved that a determined group of concerned citizens can come together to prevent something harmful happening to their community, and succeed against all odds.

“They must now be punished for that, because this government firmly believes there is no big role for society in the way this country is run.

“When a judge rules that the Secretary of State for Health cannot close any old hospital he likes, one realises exactly how screwed up Britain really is.”

The Death Bill will provide an exemption for doctors employed by the private sector, making them the only people authorised to save lives.

It means NHS staff will have to risk jail in future if they want to continue doing their jobs.

“Until now private healthcare providers had been at a competitive disadvantage thanks to the huge subsidies the NHS receives each year,” continued Mr Hunt.

“This law is a way of leveling the playing field. It will apply to everyone outside of the private sector. If you try to save a life, whether or not it is your job, you will be punished.

“People who fundraise money for cancer charities, donate an organ, or intervene in a violent robbery, will all become law-breakers.

“So no-one try to be a hero. Got it?”

It will be people’s individual responsibility to ensure that if they suffer a life-threatening injury, they are only treated by a private doctor. Otherwise, they could also be guilty of an offence under Hunt’s Death Bill.

“Anyone who tries to protest against my new law will be beaten by the police. And as soon as anyone who isn’t a private doctor tries to treat your injuries, you’ll be arrested.

“Check mate, Lewisham! Mwhahahaha.

“Mwhahahahahahahahaha.

“MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”



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