David Moyes Hired By Royal Bank of Scotland
The taxpayer-owned bank is hungry for failure and has not wasted time in hiring man-of-the-moment Moyes, sacked by Man Utd this week after turning Premier League champions into Premier League paupers in under a year.
However, unlike the Old Trafford outfit, RBS absolutely craves the kind of failure around which Moyes has built his reputation.
The bank has recorded massive losses for six straight years, and hit a new low in 2013 as it went more than £8billion into the red. This terrible performance was recently rewarded with £588million in bonus payments to staff.
Now RBS hope the acquisition of Moyes – hired as its new “Director of Debt” – will help it surpass the likes of Lehman Brothers and Enron, as a business synonymous with failure.
After accepting the post, Moyes said in a statement: “I’m thrilled. To be honest, I did wonder where my next job was going to come from.
“I was considering going somewhere no-one had heard of me, like Holland, but then RBS rang me up out of the blue.
“I was delighted to learn that not only is this an organisation in an even bigger mess than Manchester United, but that they wanted to hire me to help make it even worse.
“Oh, and pay me shitloads. Serious, serious shitloads.”
The desire to fail began at RBS in 2008, when former prime minister Gordon Brown rewarded the company’s tumbling share price – after a disastrous expansion into risky investment banking – with a £45billion bailout.
Ever since, the bank has been turning in loss after loss, comforted in the knowledge that the government would reward such failure and ask for nothing more in return than an IOU scrawled on the back of a fag packet.
RBS chief executive Ross McEwan said Moyes was a perfect fit for the business, since his name was now a byword for failure just like theirs.
“Here at RBS, we like to reward failure with huge, eye-watering bonuses,” said Mr McEwan.
“But our quest for quantitative catastrophe does not stop there. As soon as we found out that the biggest failure in the country was out of a job, we wasted no time in sending him the biggest, fattest contract we could.”
Among Moyes’ first priorities when he starts work on 1st July are likely to be a complete clear-out of all staff at RBS who have a reputation for success, bringing in a new team of inexperienced cashiers from his local Co-operative branch, and re-signing Fred Goodwin on a £300,000-a-week deal.
Mr McEwan said he expected Moyes, within a year, to at least drive RBS out of the FTSE100, if not dump them out of the London Stock Exchange altogether.