Crime Rate Plummets Thanks To New Snooping Law
Police welcomed the introduction of the Data Retention and Investigatory Powers Act (DRIP) because it immediately legalised various snooping activities which they have been carrying on with behind our backs.
Approximately 85 percent of police time is spent digging up people’s phone and email data, something which has been continuing despite the European Courts of Justice ruling against it in April.
“Yeah, see, told you this would cut crime,” said a cop who only a few hours ago had been illegally accessing the phone records of an ex-girlfriend.
“A whole string of dodgy police activity that no-one else knows about has been legalised thanks to this new law, dramatically slashing crime rates in the process.
“We told MPs it was vital that they legalise the stuff police do on a daily basis before anyone realises what we’ve been up to, and that if they didn’t do it within one week we would arrest them for all of those child sex abuse crimes we’ve been ignoring.
“Of course, there is a very serious side to all of this, because without these snooping powers it would be virtually impossible for respectable officers of the law like myself to track down that nefarious gangster who’s been boning my ex.”
Three readings of DRIP by the House of Commons were completed on Monday and Tuesday, and the same process was completed by the House of Lords on Wednesday and Thursday. This left Friday free for a parliamentary recital of War and Peace.
Non-urgent laws, such as the Climate Change Act, usually take several months – or sometimes years – before passing into law. This is to allow them to be fully scrutinised.
“We didn’t need to scrutinise DRIP,” explained Home Secretary Theresa May.
“It was written by the police themselves, and as you know, the police are completely trustworthy and have never let anyone down, ever.”