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Clegg’s “Sorrow” for Cuts Abuse Victims

nick clegg addresses conference

Nick Clegg says he is deeply sorry for the public spending scandal that has hit his party this year, but has vowed to continue increasing unemployment and spreading Aids around the world because “it is the right thing to do”.

Speaking at the Liberal Democrat conference in Liverpool, the defiant Deputy Prime Minister said that the government’s public sector cuts were “regrettable” but “entirely necessary” if the coalition was to succeed in ridding Britain of homosexual sin.

It is the first conference for the Lib Dems as a party in government since 1945, but many voters have said they feel let down and abandoned by the leadership’s alliance with Conservative evidence-deniers.

“It is great to be here,” said Clegg, dressed in an elaborately decorated robe.

“I am of course sorry for what we are doing, forcing ordinary people to pay for a debt they have had no hand in making, but it is important that we eradicate the sinful use of contraceptives in the UK.

“These cuts are necessary and it would be immoral for us to prevent them from happening. While the public sector does a brilliant job, homosexuality is intrinsically morally evil and we must stop it.”

Clegg has been accused by many voters of covering up the extent of his support for spending cuts during the election campaign, and some have demanded that he be upfront about how the government will move to protect the poor from the worst of their effects.

“I express my gratitude for the efforts being made to address this problem responsibly,” continued Clegg.

“And I ask all of you to show your concern for cuts victims, and solidarity with your ministers who have abused them.

“Let us pray that the social and economic costs of this ghastly situation will not leave you all scarred for life. If, that is, you survive the ordeal.”

It was later confirmed by Lib Dem officials that Clegg had met with five former public sector workers made unemployed by the government’s actions.

A spokesman said: “They were obviously angry, but Clegg reassured them that their jobs were unnecessary anyway and that because condoms have holes in the HIV virus can get through.”

However, there has been more fierce criticism today of the Liberal Democrats’ alliance with the Conservative Party.

Green Party leader Caroline Lucas said: “The Tories are determined to continue where Thatcher left off, extending privatisation, increasing inequality and slashing public services.

“Clegg has gleefully joined them, opposing the reforms that his own party once called for, and now instead leading the government’s mission to spread poverty, disease and homophobia around the world.”

As the Lib Dem conference draws to a close, Clegg will return to Westminister to continue his work with the prime minister, David Cameron, in opposing stem cell research and abortions.

And he concluded his speech in Liverpool today with a tribute to the man with whom he is in partnership.

“Dear friends, let us continue our vigil of prayer by preparing to encounter Cameron, present among us in the blessed sacrament of our party conference.

“Let us open our minds and hearts to his presence, his love, the convincing power of his truth.

“Trusting in his prayers, let us ask Cameron to illuminate our path, and the path of all British society, with the kind of devastating economic policies that will render your life miserable.

“Amen.”




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