The recession means that the three core values of Christmas – shopping, spending and eating – are now financially untenable for the average hard-working family, leading to the downfall of capitalism’s most cherished payday.
“It is with regret that I must announce the cancellation of Christmas,” said Santa Claus in a hastily-arranged press conference somewhere in Lapland, attended by one reporter and his husky.
“Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas without pointless, expensive presents and huge, under-exercised turkeys.
“Unfortunately the onset of a recession means that the cosy, warm, self-indulgent feeling of needless consumerism just wouldn’t be possible for the average Briton.
“As the man around whom Christmas is based, it falls upon me to say enough is enough. We can’t afford to have Christmas this year.”
The news is a blow to Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who was hoping that his recent new tax measures would help him turn the economy around and get it headed back towards the consumption of everything in the universe, as fast as possible.
“Extreme times call for extreme measures, and I fully appreciate Santa’s concerns,” said Mr Brown.
“But cancelling the ancient capitalist tradition of buying shit and giving it to the people we love, and many more whom we hate, is a setback to my mission of eating the world and everything on it.
“Mr Claus will certainly not be getting a Christmas card from me this year.”
Brown said that, despite the setback, his efforts to kick-start the economic recovery would not be thwarted.
He added: “I’m going to borrow the Moon for a little while to help whet our appetites again. It is made of cheese, after all.”
Leave a Comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.