China To Blame
Every last one of the 569 billion tonnes of carbon emitted since industrialisation began can be traced back to the world’s most populous nation.
None of these tonnes of carbon were burned to help produce any of the £1.25trillion-worth of goods China exports each year, whatsoever.
And absolutely zero carbon emissions have resulted from any of the various polluting activities of individuals, corporations or governments from outside China since fossil fuels were first discovered, several hundred years ago.
The 400ppm milestone, significantly higher than the 350ppm level scientists say is necessary to avoid catastrophic global warming, was reached last Thursday when someone in China drove their 4×4 to school to collect their kids.
It is the highest level of carbon recorded in all the 800,000 years of data we have on the composition of the Earth’s atmosphere.
A guy from The Taxman‘s local boozer told us: “Yeah all this global warming stuff is pretty bad but there’s nothing we can do about it is there?
“I heard on the news that China is opening a new coal-fired power station everyday.
“That’s totally not my fault, I mean, little old Britain can’t really make any difference, can it?
“I heard the Chinese like coal so much, they wash themselves with it.
“Whereas we use soap.”
The Chinese government has denied the claims that is to blame for global warming, but then it would wouldn’t it.
In fact, we now also know that China is to blame for soaring energy prices, the decline of the honey bee and Sir Alex Ferguson leaving Manchester United.
Western governments welcomed the confirmation of what they had suspected all along.
UK climate change secretary Ed Davey said: “While it is slightly inconvenient that the planet is on the verge of another mass extinction event the important thing about this data is that it clearly demonstrates how there is absolutely nothing myself, the British government, nor anyone else without a slitted eye can do to solve this problem.
“Climate change has been made in China, just like lots of other things that have nothing to do with us.
“Unless we nuked the whole country, which I am not suggesting right now, I’m afraid there just isn’t anything we can do to get atmospheric concentrations of carbon back to a level that doesn’t threaten to sink Kent.”
The man in the pub added: “Hey check out my new phone. It’s fucking ace.”