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Cameron Asks Clegg To Resign


Prime Minister David Cameron has marked the coalition’s first anniversary with a request for his deputy Nick Clegg to resign.

The shocking move comes just days after the Conservative Party triumphed over the Liberal Democrats with a resounding victory in the referendum on voting reform.

In a statement beamed live on to a giant screen outside the Lib Dem headquarters, Cameron coldly explained that because he himself had been chosen as Tory leader by the Alternative Vote (AV) method, Clegg would have to step down as leader of his own party and thus resign his cabinet post.

“Nigel, I mean, er, Nick, I’m sorry it has come to this,” began Cameron. “We have had twelve wonderful months together, but last week’s referendum has left a lasting scar that I don’t think we can heal.

“Obviously my policy advisor has let me down because she failed to mention to me during the NO2AV campaign that were it not for AV, I would still be a backbencher and David Davis would be leader of the opposition.

“Under this convoluted, confusing, unfair preferential voting system, an extremist like me was able to win the Tory leadership despite coming second in the first round of voting. How very daft!

“Clearly, it leaves me no other choice than to hand in your formal resignation, back to me. And I will accept it, as per the first secret rule of the Coalition Agreement.”

Asked what the secret rule was by Vince Cable, Cameron said: “Whatever I do wrong, Clegg gets the blame for. Bye bye!”

The Deputy Prime Minister’s immediate response was to shrug and then continue sucking Cameron’s penis until it gently climaxed over Clegg’s smug little lying face.

Meanwhile, a new leader of the Liberal Democrat Party will be chosen by way of the First Past The Most Cash method, where whoever spends the most amount of money on their campaign is declared the winner.

Favourite for the role is the Chancellor George Osborne, who is already sending stockpiles of his inheritance over to the Bank of England for weighted counting.

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