BP Plugs Oil Leak With £50 Notes
British Petroleum has finally plugged the leaking oil well in the Gulf of Mexico by stuffing it full of rolled fifties.
Millions of the notes were delicately forced into the gaping chasm one mile below the surface on Friday, and the oil giant has today reported that the technically ground-breaking operation has succeeded in capping the well.
“It wasn’t cheap, but it looks like it’s worked,” BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward told reporters this morning. “Hopefully now we can move on, because there’s a lot of work still to be done in the Gulf.
“We estimate that there’s about nine billion barrels of oil still to be extracted from this well. The sooner we get drilling the better, I’d say.
“What? What’s that? A moratorium? I didn’t agree to that. Who does Barack Obama think he is?”
Friday’s so-called ‘Cash Containment’ operation involved the use of a steam roller to fuse 175,000 bundles of £50 notes together, forming a super-bundle capable of withstanding the force from a nuclear bomb.
Engineers welded the super-bundle to fit the leaking well – where a blow-out preventer BP had made from toilet paper ‘unexpectedly’ failed on 20th April – and carefully inserted it using an underwater bulldozer.
“This was a really technical, complicated and financially-challenging operation,” explained Mr Hayward. “We’ve spent three months trying everything possible to fix this thing, and it took our engineers at least 35 pints of John Smiths on Tuesday night to finally come up with this ocean floor-breaking solution.
“We know the use of cash bundles may concern our shareholders, but please be reassured, we have just sent letters to all 61,000 remaining compensation claimants telling them to get their diving gear on.”
Now that the oil has stopped leaking, the effort to clean up the mess will continue in earnest. Despite causing the deaths of at least 10,000 birds, hundreds of marine mammals and an infinite number of fish – tragically denied the chance to be served up on the plate of a hungry Texan – BP maintain that oil drilling should continue.
And although the Gulf coast’s many miles of wetland habitat is probably ruined forever, Hayward argues: “Deep-water oil drilling has to be the safest form of energy generation in the world. As bad as this leak looked, it was barely a drop in the ocean.
“Okay, so we killed a few birds. Big deal. Wind turbines kill millions of birds every minute, but I don’t hear anyone complaining about them.
“And what about those bloody solar panels, eh? Have you ever touched one of those things? They’ll burn your fucking arm off. Bloody lethal if you ask me.”
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