Blair Placed On ‘Gardening Leave’ From Middle East Peacemaking Job
British warmonger, Tony Blair, has been ordered by his employers to stand down from his role as envoy for peace to the Middle East after it emerged that he was underperforming in a number of his key job tasks.
The violent killing of protesters in Libya, following the violent protests in Bahrain, following the violent revolution in Egypt, following the violent overthrow of Tunisia’s president, following decades of Western-funded violence using Western-manufactured weapons, was not the kind of progress UN secretary-general, Ban Ki-moon, had been hoping for when he helped appoint Blair as the region’s peace envoy in 2007.
Mr Ki-moon explained that he had long known about the oversight he made when hiring Blair to the role, as he failed to notice the bit on his CV about murdering millions of Iraqis and Afghans.
“But I never thought in a million seconds that Blair would allow the same thing to happen again,” Mr Ki-moon said.
“After all, he’s such an honest man, I thought he would probably keep his word. He swore he would not kill.
Blair has cleared his desk from the headquarters of BAE Systems and was this morning heading back to his home in Sedgefield, County Durham.
The Quartet, his employers made up of the UN, European Union, United States and Russia, will continue to pay him a salary using funds raised from a peacekeeping tax on Afghanistan, thought to be worth about 98 percent of the country’s GDP.
Mr Blair explained: “I hope no one has assumed my temporary departure from my hugely important job of keeping peace in the Middle East has anything to do with my not being able to keep peace in the Middle East. I told Ban not to say that.
“Anyway, the real honest truth is, I swear, that my new lodger here in Sedgefield needs looking after.
“He’s a delicate old man in need of some TLC. Not because he’s fled the country he used to pillage, you understand, no.
“It’s because his grandmother’s just died. Yeah, so, er, go away, will you?”
The news was expected to be a blow to the many British-based defence companies that were relying on Blair to find them peacekeeping weapon deals in the Middle East.
But BAE Systems chief executive, Ian King, said: “It’s fine, really, we already had someone lined up to replace Blair.
“In fact, he looks like he might be even better at the job than Blair was. He’s real slick. Very smooth. Aren’t ya, Dave?
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