Binge Drinking Is To Blame
Britain’s cities are increasingly suffering from problems caused by binge drinking.
Our town centres have become plagued in the early hours by drunken youths out for a good time, but who frequently go too far.
A heavy night of binge drinking often ends in violence, crime and/or a visit to hospital.
Here at The Taxman, we wanted to see for ourselves what incidents occur on a typical Friday night in a British town, so we went to Bristol this past week and witnessed events that would shock even the most brazen of middle-aged gentry.
Without disgracing the pages of this newspaper, among our observations we saw a bald man giving the finger to a CCTV camera while peeing on the entrance to an office block, a young lady falling flat on her face outside a pub but managing not to spill a single drop of her alcoholic beverage, an ugly man diving fully naked into a fountain and a woman assaulting another woman with a handbag.
We also saw a very hairy old man trying to sell the Big Issue to a girl lying unconscious on the pavement and two teenage boys attempting to steal a JCB.
As you can imagine from these ghastly examples, binge drinkers are becoming the major social problem for town centres in Britain.
More must be done to alert today’s younger generation about the dangers of drinking and having a good time – and more importantly, the problems it can create for hard-working taxpayers and law-abiding citizens like us.
These youths must be stopped at all costs, before it is too late.
Also in the news today…
Heavy Drinkers Have Higher IQs
New research suggests that people who like to drink heavily have higher IQ ratings than those who do not.
This research was backed up by recently emerged evidence that Albert Einstein brewed beer in his basement.
The religious organisation that claims to have found this evidence said they had found conclusive proof that Albert Einstein was ‘pissed out of his head’ when he wrote his theory of special relativity.
They said that he may have also been stoned, although this was ‘just speculation’.
This new, conclusive, evidence proves why those esteemed folk like us who down a glass of vintage red with every meal are so clever and have so much more money.
And in health news…
SARS Virus Linked To Alcohol Consumption
The World Health Organisation has issued a new warning about the globally-feared SARS virus.
New research has found that a staggering eight out of ten cases admitted to ‘consuming dangerous amounts of alcohol the night before’.
The symptoms for the disease include headaches, stiffness, loss of appetite, tiredness and confusion.
Since the first discovery of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, commonly known as SARS, in south-east Asia, there have been cases reported all over the world.
But while the average recovery time of victims in Asia is between two and seven days, in Britain victims have often been cleared of the disease within a few hours.
The most frequent demographic of British SARS victims was described by the Department of Health yesterday as ‘student’.
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