Beavers Dam Parliament
According to river sources, the resourceful rodents have built a 10-metre tall dam preventing politicians from entering Westminster.
A new Thames-based beaver colony is now patrolling the dam and ensuring no-one other than Caroline Lucas is able to access the House of Commons.
The politicians must be kept away from Westminster, the beavers say, because they pose a serious risk to Britain’s public service systems.
Any non-green MP or peer somehow able to find their grubby way through the huge dam – the world’s largest – will be knawed to death once inside.
“Dam it,” barked Command Officer Bob Beaver, The Devon Regiment.
The beaver plot is apparently also a counter-measure to the plan by the Department for Environment Food and Rural Affairs to intiate a cull of The Devon Regiment, an unexpected wild colony of beaver discovered earlier this year.
The politicians say that because beavers have been extinct in England since the 18th Century, they’re a danger to 21st Century wildlife and ‘an invasive species’.
Much like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park or something.
“Those pesky beavers are colonising Devon without our permission,” exclaimed Secretary of State for Environment, Liz Truss.
“This government absolutely hates it when animals start doing things we didn’t give them permission to do.
“Killing is our solution to most things these days. I don’t see why this situation should be any different.
“Hang on, what’s this? Why are all these twigs blocking the Houses of Parliament? I never gave permission for that! Who’s going to run the government?
“If you don’t let the politicians in, public spending won’t get cut. The NHS won’t get privatised. Unemployment figures won’t be fiddled. Corporate tax dodging won’t be allowed. Airport runways won’t get built.
“Dam you beavers! It’ll be anarchy!!!”