Australia Issues Prime Minister Warning
Tony Abbott – who ‘poses an extreme risk to everyone’ – was spotted in Canberra feasting on the remains of the regulations which protect the continent’s natural wonders.
The rabid right-wing politician is believed to still be roaming freely and unimpeded around the city, eating whatever bits of environmental protections he can lay his grubby hands on.
Once all the rules from the Australian capital have been eaten, however, Aussies fear there will be nothing to stop him gorging on the country’s animals and vegetation, particularly those that are rare and unique.
Abbott already has a taste for sharks and is thought to have consumed dozens of the fishy critters since he first took office last September.
A local police chief, who has led the calls for Australia to be closed down until Mr Abbott is finally caught, told us, here at The Taxman: “We need help here mate.
“We’ve had six months of this crazy whacker having his wicked way with our country and I’ve had just about enough of it. I’m serious.
“If Abbott isn’t stopped in his tracks right now we’re going to be a no-go zone mate. Those drongoes up in Canberra just ain’t listening.
“We’re gonna need a bigger boat mate.”
Most creatures at immediate risk from Abbott attacks are those residing in the Great Barrier Reef, which the prime minister hopes to transform into a major shipping lane for coal-laden tankers, and the Tasmanian rainforest, for which Abbott is hoping to strip of World Heritage status.
Abbott also says that climate change is “crap” and that the significantly increased fire risk in Australia is a deistic metaphor for his literal conflagration of the nation’s environmental protection laws.
Amid the chaos, Steven Spielberg has agreed to pen a script for a new Abbott biopic entitled No Laws.