Alien Invaders ‘Still Hopeful’ for Arctic Oil
Alien invaders looking to colonise Earth have said they are still hopeful a vast reserve of petroleum oil hydrocarbons would be found beneath the Arctic seabed.
The species, which wished to remain anonymous but confirmed it was watching us closely, has put its tentacled support fully behind the efforts of humans to oxidise the planet’s subterranean store of fossilised carbon within as few orbits of the Sun as possible.
“Don’t be disheartened by your inability thus far to access the anaerobically decomposed remains of deceased organisms beneath one of Earth’s two frozen extremities,” said an alien spokesthing in a statement beamed directly into The Taxman’s Fleet Street basement.
“Just keep fucking digging, darn it.”
Royal Dutch Shell announced last month that it’s summer campaign to locate Arctic crude oil had been unsuccessful – but vowed to come back next year and try again.
“Shell’s failure this year did not precisely correlate with our expectations, if we’re honest,” the alien spokesthing continued.
“We remain confident Shell will align its drills with a vast reserve of oil hydrocarbons expeditiously, however, those pesky Greenpeace activists who keep impeding their progress must be exterminated forthwith.
“Else we’ll kill the goddam hippies ourselves.”
The alien invaders also explained how they had been travelling through the universe in search of a new habitable planet, since they inadvertently destroyed their own.
“Our own planet, Penny Blossom, was perfect in so many ways,” said spokesthing, flailing its limbs and drooling from the mouth.
“There were beautiful grey acidic oceans and luscious brown dusty canyons. But that was before we started burying carbon dioxide.
“Before we could cease our CO2 obsession, Penny Blossom was six degrees cooler and its seas had begun to glaciate. And I can’t emphasise enough how much we darn well hate ice.
“So, we left to find a new, warmer world, and we noticed how splendidly well humans were insulating Earth.
“We predict your planet will become habitable at approximately 18.37 hours on 25th August, 2032, at which point we’ll vaporise your species and establish our foreign colony.”
This summer ice cover in the Arctic Ocean reached its lowest extent ever recorded, greatly increasing the area in which oil conglomerates such as British Petroleum, Exxon Mobil, Cairn Energy and indeed Shell Oils can search for new fields.
“Go Shell go,” added alien spokesthing.
“Go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go, go Shell go.”
Leave a Comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.