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One Direction: Take Me Home

One Direction with Barclays Premier League trophy

I love it when a band is unambiguous. There’s certainly no doubt where One Direction are headed.

Yep, in about ten years’ time, each one of these beautiful young men will be delirious, coke-addicted, beautiful middle-aged men unable to reconcile their early fame with the monotony of everyday life as a sporadic Loose Women guest or Dancing On Ice contestant.

Right now, these boys are hungry for success, and have already sold more records than Barclaycard has customers worldwide. Which is A LOT.

But unlike One Direction, Barclays won’t be on the scrapheap in a few years’ time, no matter how often we’re caught drinking at the wheel of our economy-busting juggernaut.

Barclays is hungry too, and will not settle for second best to a bunch of half-baked, beautiful X Factor rejects.

We’re so hungry, in fact, we continue to gamble on it. We might have claimed to stop speculating on world food prices, but that was just a ruse to get the campaigners off our backs.

Doesn’t look like it’s worked.

Oh well, I mean, who cares? Really? I certainly don’t. Barclays, like One Direction, are in the money-making business.

We want to celebrate winning the Premier League. We want waxwork models at Madame Tussuads. We want private jets. We want a free bottle of wine at the Barclays AGM.

Because we’re hungry. Hungry for success. Hungry for money. Can’t you smell it? That’s the stinking-rich head of our investment banking arm, Rich Ricci, with the £17.6million we gave him last month just for having such a great name.

And that’s not even to mention his horse.

One Direction might think they’ve got this whole pop game sewn up, but hey, being beautiful is hard work, and those boys better pull their socks up if they want to stay ahead of the curve.

Just look at what’s happened to JLS. When those four wrinkly gits said this week they were splitting up to work on their own individual projects, don’t bet that they were referring to the expansion of their commodities portfolios.

Boy bands tend to be pretty, but they’re not clever like bankers.

So for as long as the music charts are dominated by five beautiful souls from various parts of the UK and Ireland, One Direction better make the most of their good fortunes.

Take Me Home? I bet they don’t even have a mortgage.

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