Barclaycard presents British Summer Time
Are you glistening with sweat, your skin reddening by the minute, your underwear reaching saturation point? Yes?
Well, hold on will you? Why are you getting so carried away, eh? Don’t shed your clothes until I tell you to. Got it?
Good, I’m glad we got that clear.
It might be baking hot outside right now but summer is not authorised to take place anywhere other than in Hyde Park, this weekend, for the second installment of Barclaycard presents British Summer Time. Hyde Park.
That means no ice cream, no sun cream, no cream tea and no cream-coloured clothing, not now, and not until Friday.
But that’s only if, if, you have a pre-paid £59.50 ticket to see Elton John, the Rolling Stones, or any of the other cutting-edge young stars of the 21st Century music scene that we are putting on for you. In Hyde fucking Park.
When Barclaycard sponsors music events, it does it properly, you understand? That means we buy the rights to every loosely-associated act of pleasure that may or may not be happening simultaneously to our event.
Last weekend, in our first fun-filled weekend at Hyde Park, we rocked it out. But we didn’t forget you tennis fans out there, which is why we screened a replay of Andy Murray’s Wimbledon final loss to Roger Federer last year.
How’d you like them candy apples?
We’ve hired G4S security. Yes, them. They’re patrolling London right now looking out for anyone listening to a Rolling Stones track, with guns at the ready just in case.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES CAN YOU LISTEN TO I CAN’T GET NO SATISFACTION.
Am I making myself clear?
Barclaycard have put on this event, in Hyde Park, out of the goodness of their generous, pure-blooded hearts. We have nothing to gain from having our logo splashed across the promo poster, not even our reputation. No.
We just wanted to give something back to the people, the music-loving people of the UK, who have been so kind to us over the years by continuing to bank with us, despite everything.
You’re so lovely, Britain. We love you. And we also love summer. And music. And Hyde Park.
This is why, as a reward for your loyal, unquestioning custom, we are presenting to you, Britain, Lionel Richie and Jennifer Lopez. ON THE SAME NIGHT.
Have fun xxx