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Trees are falling down on your face

This is an urgent weather warning from me. I am warning you, and all of the people you know, to be careful.

Be careful, people, because trees are falling down on your face. Nowhere is safe. NOWHERE.

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Nothing that is fun can ever possibly be bad for you

Well, that’s that then. We’ve finally won the argument. The proof for man-made climate change is conclusive. Conclusively wrong.

Thank you, IPCC. You’ve shown, once and for all, that global warming is a big pile of old rubbish, burning in a completely harmless incinerator.

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Why isn’t Gareth Bale mining coal?

Sorry for the late weather forecast. I usually type them up on a Monday you see, but yesterday I was somewhat incapacitated with rage. The source of my pulmonary embolism was a Welsh football player called Gareth Bale.

Monday was what people in the football industry call “transfer deadline day”. I prefer to call it “transferring money to the undeserving day”.

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The real daddy of the G8 is someone else entirely

Few, those floods in central Europe were something, weren’t they? Christ. I felt sorry for the poor Czechs, but let’s be honest, the Germans deserved it, didn’t they?

It’s been quite fun to put my feet up this past week and enjoy a little sun here in Kensington, at the same time the krauts have been running around desperately trying to shore up their doorways with sandbags, only for the floods to come gushing in and drown them all like rats.

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A drunk Scot is no match for the brute force of a polar bear

This is an urgent weather warning. Polar bears have migrated south to the Isle of Arran in Scotland and, as I write, they are eating the residents of Brodick.

No other media outlets know about this catastrophe yet because there has been an island-wide power cut. But I promise you, it’s happening, and the bears are hungry.

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Climate change doesn’t kill people. Weather does.

Alright, that’s it. Enough already. I’m bored of this now. Time to lay down a few ‘facts’ about climate change.

You listening? Well that’s your first mistake. Because I’m writing, not talking. And I’m writing hard.

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Why else would they hold crucial climate talks in a country with the third-largest natural gas reserves in the world?

Apparently there was some sort of climate conference held in Qatar last week. Personally, I think it’s a good idea to put the issue back on the agenda again. Let’s face it, 2012 has been fucking freezing.

Jesus, I almost bloody drowned. So why shouldn’t we start discussing ways to start heating the Earth again? I mean, why else would they hold crucial climate talks in a country with the third-largest natural gas reserves in the world?

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