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Traces Of Vegetables Found In Vegetable Soup

Vegetable soup comprised overwhelmingly of vegetables has been found in the UK.

Test samples stored by a company called Veggie Veg Ltd contained 80 percent turnip, 14 percent celeriac, four percent swede and two percent parsnip, the Food Standards Agency (FSA) said.

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Anarchists Plan Takeover Of Britain

Anarchists have drawn up plans for when they expect to gain control of Britain in four years’ time.

A group representing the political philosophy welcomed the recent fall in economic activity and the announcement of a referendum on Britain’s membership of the European Union (EU), claiming they would be ready to take control immediately afterwards.

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Emergency Services To Be Replaced By Shops And Offices

Police stations, fire stations and A&E departments will all be demolished and replaced by shops and offices equipped with first aid kits, a fire extinguisher and someone from G4S.

The government claims the buildings that house our emergency services pose a major threat to the life of Britain’s sick economy and must be sold before they cause any more damage.

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Killing Your Gran Now Cheaper Than Ever

Letting your grandparents freeze to death is now cheaper than ever, according to the ‘big six’ energy companies.

The frustrated offspring of old fogies across Britain are celebrating the huge savings to be made from finally dispatching the elderly members of their family in 2013, after the latest series of price hikes came into force.

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Bonkers Scientists Say World Will End ‘Soon’

Batshit crazy scientists have said we must prepare for the end of the world because that’s what ‘evidence’ indicates will happen unless we act now to stop it.

Citing a modern text which portends doom based on something called ‘the laws of physics’, cuckoo geeks warn that rising sea levels will submerge many of the world’s great cities while huge swathes of forest burn and desertify, leading to the extinction of most of the planet’s animal and plant species.

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Sleepy Downing Street Still Not Smelling Tax Haven Stench

A payment of £10million delivered by a tax-dodging coffee company has failed to wake the British government up from its 55-year coma, sources indicate.

Officials from Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC) said although they were doing all they could to flex their nostrils, the Starbucks cash received last week had not helped them smell anything close to a single waft of the stench that has emanated from offshore tax havens since the late 1950s.

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Profit-Making Press ‘Against Rules Which Harm Profit’

Corporations which make money by selling news say they don’t want a new law which could make it more difficult for them to make money by selling news.

The newspapers fear legislation proposed by Lord Justice Leveson could even force them to write “boring” stories which tell the truth and aren’t full of entertaining, profitable lies.

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