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China To Blame

China is entirely to blame for concentrations of greenhouse gases in the Earth’s atmosphere reaching 400 parts per million (ppm), The Taxman can reveal.

Every last one of the 569 billion tonnes of carbon emitted since industrialisation began can be traced back to the world’s most populous nation.

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UKIP ‘Joke Started By Boris Johnson’

Moments after David Cameron said he would start taking UKIP seriously, Boris Johnson admitted the party was an elaborate practical joke he started in 1993.

The Mayor of London explained in an email to the prime minister, BCC’d to The Taxman, that the UK Independence Party had actually begun life as an editorial prank he had played while writing features for the Daily Telegraph.

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Thatcher Privatises Afterlife

Margaret Thatcher has privatised the Afterlife just hours after arriving there.

Heavenly services which provide the deceased with unlimited flows of wine, chocolate, smoked cheeses and sexual gratification are among those to have been contracted out to morally contemptuous corporations by the former British prime minister.

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Gay Marriages ‘Can Take Place In Archbishop’s Closet’

The Archbishop of Canterbury has said he would be happy to conduct same-sex marriage ceremonies in his bedroom closet.

The newly-enthroned head of the Church of England, The Most Reverend Justin Welby, said that God always intended marriage to be a lifelong union of one man and one woman, unless no-one knows about it.

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Benefits To Be Replaced By Handicaps

Benefits will be entirely replaced by a new handicap system based on how poor you are.

The welfare state is an old-fashioned, cumbersome institution that needs to be rebuilt from scratch as something completely different, the government reckons.

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Mess Left By Labour Getting Messier

The government has lost its top hygiene rating because of the huge mess dumped outside 10 Downing Street.

Britain is now rated CRAAAP and will only regain its cleanliness certificate if it finally clears up the stinking heap in Westminster, which grows bigger and bigger by the day.

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