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Typhoon Haiyan Victims Thank Politicians For Agreeing To Agree Next Year To Cut Carbon In Seven Years’ Time

Millions of homeless and starving Filipinos whose homes and livelihoods were wiped out by a Category 5, 235mph super-typhoon have thanked world governments and their negotiating teams for finally agreeing to make an agreement next year to start solving man-made climate change in 2020.

The manifestly grateful victims of Typhoon Haiyan – the strongest recorded storm to make landfall – said their endless search for food, water and shelter would “soon be over” because the 19th-annual United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC) in Warsaw had made a partial deal to possibly do something to save the world at a distant future date.

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Tesco Arms Itself For Pub Offensive

Supermarket giant Tesco is calling for last orders from Britain’s pub industry.

A new range of shops called ‘The Tesco Arms’ will feature skittle aisles, dart cheese boards and self-service urinals.

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Daily Mail Dethrones Royal Mail

The ‘royal’ in ‘Royal Mail’ is set to be lost after 497 years of regal service thanks to a gaggle of conspiring newspaper bosses who have stamped their authority all over our post.

Editors, led by the Daily Mail‘s Paul Dacre, have bought thousands of shares in the recently-privatised firm, and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

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Green Peas Charged With Piracy

Russian authorities have charged 30 green peas with piracy.

The peas were campaigning against soil drilling in the Arctic when gun-toting guardeners held them hostage and seized their pod.

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Jim Davidson Has Not Been Jailed

Racist television personality Jim Davidson has not been jailed, Operation Yewtree detectives have confirmed.

The former Big Break and Generation Game host and alleged comedian has not been seen or heard from for years, but this is not because he has been banged up for child sex offences.

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Conversation Groups Speechless

Awkward silences are spreading rapidly across Britain, but conversation groups are saying nothing.

The lack of banter is now so severe it threatens to make extinct several chatterbox species, including even the receptionist.

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