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William Hague ‘Madly In Love With John Kerry’

Foreign Secretary William Hague has denied claims he is deeply in love with US Secretary of State John Kerry.

The Tory cabinet minister allegedly thinks Kerry is a beautiful man, both inside and out.

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David Cameron Finally Agrees To Worsen Flooding

David Cameron has finally pledged to make flooding worse.

The Prime Minister said his number one priority was to follow the nonsensical advice of people who might vote for him at the next election, rather than experts the government employs to give sensible advice.

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Olympic Stadium Rejects ‘Useless’ West Ham

The Olympic Stadium has rejected West Ham United over fears the club would ruin its reputation for sporting success.

In the latest twist to the long-running saga over the London 2012 venue’s legacy, the arena said it was now in talks with Leyton Orient.

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Death Bill To Make Saving Lives Illegal

Saving lives will be made illegal by a new ‘Death Bill’ currently making its way through Parliament.

Anyone caught doing CPR, telling their mate to quit smoking or organising a campaign to save their local hospital will be thrown in jail under powers granted by the new law, should it be passed.

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“We Must Curb Foodbank Bonuses,” Says Iain Duncan Smith

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith has vowed to tackle the “ludicrous” bonuses being given out by foodbanks across the UK.

Latest figures show 350,000 food parcels have been handed out to people who haven’t earned them.

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Saudi Arabian Traffic Cops Armed With Penis Detectors

The Saudi government has launched a new crackdown on female drivers by arming its traffic police with ‘penilisers’.

The waist-hi-tech device will automatically detect drivers who do not possess a valid penis – a sex organ required in Saudi Arabia for health and sexism reasons.

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Tony Blair Is An American Spy

Tony Blair is an American spy who has been working undercover as a politician since the 1970s in order to become prime minister and destroy Britain’s civil rights.

National Security Agency (NSA) documents leaked by whistleblower Edward Snowden have finally exposed the true identity of the man who most people assumed had lied about Iraq, but probably not much else.

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