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Free Schools ‘Not Free’

Free schools cost money, it has been revealed.

Education secretary Michael Gove confirmed today that his flagship free schools policy is based on the definition of ‘free’ which means ‘without responsibility or duty’, rather than ‘without cost’.

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David Moyes Hired By Royal Bank of Scotland

Manchester United reject David Moyes has been snapped up by loss-making moneylender Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS).

The taxpayer-owned bank is hungry for failure and has not wasted time in hiring man-of-the-moment Moyes, sacked by Man Utd this week after turning Premier League champions into Premier League paupers in under a year.

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Who Will Survive The Big Race?

The favourite to win tomorrow’s Grand Casualty is not taking anything for granted.

Rifle At The Ready is a 6/1 shot to survive the race but knows she’ll need to avoid the Pit of Death at jump six if she’s to stand a chance.

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Private Contract For [Insert Public Service] Collapses

A deal with a private contractor to provide [insert public service] for [insert government department] has collapsed, costing the taxpayer at least [£XXbillion].

The contract with [insert company name] was terminated [XX years] early after the firm ran up significant debts and suffered incalculable damage to its reputation for providing the service, widely criticised as “[insert criticism]” by the public since it began in [insert year].

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“Destroy Things And Pay Less Tax,” Pledges Osborne

George Osborne has unveiled a raft of new measures designed to help companies destroy things and make people’s lives a misery in his 2014 budget speech.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer said it was “absolutely vital” that businesses were given all the assistance they needed to ruin, ravage, dismantle, dismember, axe, annihilate, extinguish, exterminate, trash, torpedo, smash, spoil, wreck and lay waste to whatever part of Britain they could lay their grubby hands on.

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Australia Issues Prime Minister Warning

Australia is on high alert today after several sightings of the world’s most dangerous prime minister were reported.

Tony Abbott – who ‘poses an extreme risk to everyone’ – was spotted in Canberra feasting on the remains of the regulations which protect the continent’s natural wonders.

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Health Fears Over Legal Hysterics

A wave of deadly new hysteria is sweeping the UK, health experts warn.

The mind-numbing delirium has caused at least one person to shoot themself in the face this week, and many more are threatening to do the same, we reckon.

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