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Storytellers Disagree, Resort To Violence

A group of storytellers who believe in a particular version of events, some concerning characters with magical powers, are killing groups who like to tell slightly different stories about similar characters.

None of the storytelling groups have been able to conclusively prove that their narratives are correct, largely because the key events took place several hundred years ago and the protagonists have long since died, but this has not stopped them using violence to try and enforce their claims.

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Netanyahu Murders Kittens “In Self Defence”

Benjamin Netanyahu has slain a litter of kittens after being scratched on the arm by their mother.

The Israeli prime minister said he acted in “self-defence” after the four-year-old moggy, called Mimi, lashed out as he took her food bowl away.

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Crime Rate Plummets Thanks To New Snooping Law

Crime rates fell by more than half within a few hours of a new snoopers’ charter being rushed into law.

Police welcomed the introduction of the Data Retention and Investigatory Powers Act (DRIP) because it immediately legalised various snooping activities which they have been carrying on with behind our backs.

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Andy Coulson Launches New Prison Tabloid, The Sin

Convicted snoop Andy Coulson has launched a new tabloid, The Sin, moments after starting his jail term.

The Sin is expected to feature a heady mix of cell scandal, warden gossip, darts coverage, porridge recipes and male genitalia. Page 3 of each edition will carry a blown-up image of the anus of a convicted felon.

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Impossible To Eat And Sleep Football, Experiment Shows

A social experiment in Brazil shows that it is, in fact, not possible to eat and sleep football.

The Brazilian government spent £7billion on the sport in the hope that it could adequately feed, clothe and provide shelter for all the country’s 200 million inhabitants.

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Theresa May Ordered To Leave County

Home Secretary Theresa May has been told to leave Berkshire after it emerged she was born 65 miles away in a completely different county.

Immigration officials swooped to kick May out of the county she moved to illegally in the 1990s, using rules she granted to them two weeks ago in a crackdown on people moving from one place to another.

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Nigel Farage Drinks Pint of Milk

UK Independence Party (UKIP) leader Nigel Farage drank a pint of milk today, a sauce revealed.

The Eurosceptic politician apparently bought the full-fat beverage from a well-known supermarket and subsequently walked to a nearby dairy farm, where he proceeded to drink the pint in front of several professional photographers, and under the close supervision of an expert in press relations.

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