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“Savile Should Have Been Stopped,” Says Osborne

Chancellor George Osborne had said it was “Britain’s shame” that Jimmy Savile was never stopped from ruining people’s lives.

The former Top Of The Pops viewer has been allowed to attack young people for two-and-a-half years despite being such an obviously crooked, depraved creep.

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Nobel Peace Prize Detained At Guantanamo Bay

The Nobel Peace Prize won in 2009 by US President Barack Obama has been detained at Guantanamo Bay to allow military interrogators to ask it why they’re still detaining people who haven’t been found guilty of fuck all.

The prestigious gold medallion named after Swedish dynamite inventor Alfred Nobel was discovered in Afghanistan, where Obama had left it for the last three years despite promising to take it home and keep it somewhere safe.

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Angela Merkel ‘Stockpiling Coal’

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is believed to be stockpiling coal as part of a plan to impoverish millions of labourers across Europe.

Mountains of the fossil fuel have been spotted adjacent to each of the treasuries of France, Greece, Spain, Portugal, Italy and Ireland as Merkel prepares to win control of their money supplies.

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Eleven Thousand Home Office Staff Missing In Dover

About 11,227 staff from a government department are missing, presumed dead.

The Home Office employees are believed to have undertaken a 68.4-mile mass migration across London and Kent earlier today, but have not been seen since.

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Jeremy Clarkson Named Minister for Road Safety

Jeremy Clarkson has been made Minister for Road Safety in another perfectly sensible government reshuffle.

The Top Gear presenter was drafted into the newly-created position at the Department for Health, where he will offer pedestrians a “refreshing new approach” to being mown down.

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School Playing Fields ‘Too Muddy for Wheelchairs’

Every state school playing field in the country will be sold to an IT company because they’re too muddy, the government has announced.

Heralding the start of the London 2012 Paralympics, Education Secretary Michael Gove said a fire sale of school playing fields would secure a permanent legacy for the Games.

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