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Christina Aguilera: Lotus

I remember the last time I reviewed a Christina Aguilera album. The year was 2006, and life was great.

No-one cared about the deficit, no-one was complaining about bankers being greedy and no-one thought Christina Aguilera was fat.

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Plan B: Ill Manors

I’ve done it. After a year of gentle sucking at the teat of Britain’s Best Bank*, I’ve finally been accepted as a fully-fledged, fully-paid-up Barclaycard Mercury Music Prize judge.

None of my recommendations so far have received nominations in the 2012 awards, just over two tantalising weeks away, but I have been allowed to cast my vote at the upcoming quarterly board meeting at Barclays HQ.

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The Graveltones: The Graveltones

When Jimmy O of The Graveltones yells “you’ve got it but you won’t admit it,” on his band’s eponymous debut EP, the bluesy rock warbler joined a minority of vocal dissenters who have unfairly victimised Bob Diamond this week for a corporate conspiracy that was clearly not of his doing.

Mr O, like the biased media, should know full well that the Barclays boss has already admitted his firm’s culpability and has taken steps to ensure no-one can ever again find out what his employees have got.

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Rock In Your Pocket: Gutterdub

Anyone remember when Nevermind came out and it completely changed the face of rock music?

Well, if I said that Rock In Your Pocket could come anywhere near to making that sort of impact with their new LP, I’d be lying completely.

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David Goo Variety Band: World Domination

I’ve found it, I’ve finally found it! That new sound Barclaycard has been looking for! This is a band that will dominate the world in years to come, much more so than any global banking giant capable of holding governments to ransom.

And why will this, so-called, ‘David Goo Variety Band’, dominate the world? Erm, because that’s what they sing about on their debut album. And when on Earth have lyrics ever been wrong?

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Mercury Music Prize 2011

Oh, so now The Taxman want me back, eh? To review some shambles of an award show, huh? Well screw you. Yeah, that’s right, you can turn your review sideways, shine it up real nice, and shove it straight up your – oh, wait.

Now I think about it, these Mercury Music Awards sponsored by Barclaycard aren’t so bad after all. They’re actually almost as fun and rewarding as a zero percent balance transfer deal.

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Take That: Progress

Oh yeah, so right, The Taxman have asked me to review another album for them. They asked me to find something fresh, the new sound for 2011.

Problem is, I rang up Virgin Megastore and they said all the stuff that’s been released so far this year is shwack, so I said, “fine, just give me something from last year, no one will notice”.

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