Are you xenophobic, racist and/or fascist? Fed up with foreigners taking your jobs, raping your wives and fitting your kitchens?

Do you feel increasingly isolated in a country that is now basically a Muslim state full of people from Bongo Bongo Land?

Good day. This is a public announcement from Her Majesty’s government. We would like to warn you of a grave problem that must be acted upon immediately.

The matter has arisen not due to a foreign invader or shortage of resource, but because of your careless lifestyle. The problem is climate change, and it has been caused by you.

Want to continue living an excessive lifestyle of gluttony and waste, but worried about the impact you’re having on the environment? Well worry no more, because we have all the green solutions you need.

That’s right – everything you want, everything you need, everything you didn’t realise you wanted or needed, all here, and all green.

Work for the carbon industry? Have right-wing views? You’re probably looking for reasons not to accept the fact that man-made climate change and its devastating consequences are largely your fault. Well look no further.

Whomever you work for, however conservative your opinions, we have all the answers you need for those awkward questions about the climate crisis.

Bored with Blair? Labour letting you down? Looking for a new political party that shares your views? Join the Conservative Party! We share everybody’s views – even yours! That’s right the Tories are back, and this time, we’re here to stay! So get in store today and see for yourself our fine new range of policies.

Feel guilty about the size of your carbon footprint? We’ll make you feel better! Our new leader cycles to work! High taxes forcing you to shop at ASDA? Don’t worry! We’ll lower them! Tired of receiving free healthcare? No problem – we’ll make you pay for it! Committed a crime? We’ll send you to jail! Until you die!