Watch this and forget how evil we are!
We are a disgraceful company that has committed horrific crimes against both humanity and the environment. Abuses of all kinds have been perpetrated against people, planet, and, whenever possible, against cute animals, all under the name of our brand.
Whatever unethical activities we deem necessary for the furtherance of our profit margins, we won’t hesitate to take part in it. Habitat destruction, tax evasion, workforce exploitation, you name it, we’ve made money out of it.
We’re not even going to deny it. We’ve got a nasty habit of killing things and destroying places. It’s true.
But please, before you decide to think about maybe not buying our products in such large quantities, give a little time to watching this event that we’ve sponsored. Is this event not a terrific spectacle of human endeavour at its very finest? Is it not enjoyable? Are you not entertained?
The participants are motivated to try harder, not because they have any desire to attain greatness or to honour the commitments of their coaches and supporters, no, they want to succeed because of our brand.
Now, think about who helped pay for this marvellous event to happen. Yes, it was us. We helped pay for some of it. That’s why our logo is plastered all over it and the competitors are also displaying our brand and name-dropping us in their post-event interviews.
Aren’t we marvellous? The organisers of this incredible event could have chosen any corporation, out of the millions that exist, to sponsor it. But they didn’t just choose any corporation. They chose us.
This just proves that despite our flaws, we are still a reputable brand. And you can trust us to continue to use the money we made from other people’s misery to bring joy and happiness to other, richer people.
It’s because we care, you know.