Buy this phone, it’s shiny!
This little beauty is going to literally change your life. And maybe even for the better.
Never again will you need to remember anything. Our patented thought-recognition technology can access your brain and retrieve the information you need at the push of a button and the correct submission of your 23-digit security code.
Tired of doing the dishes? Bored with cooking the same old crap every day? Feeling lonely? This phone will do all that and more. Much more.
We promise you, it is utterly incredible, just fantastic, the best thing on the market since that other phone we released last week. It will control your social calendar, your relationship status, your career, your bank account, your moral compass, your sex life and your mood swings.
What more could you want? A phone that can imitate your voice and conduct conversations with people on your behalf? Okay then, you got it!
All this, plus, exclusive to us, the ability to morph into other inanimate objects. Told you it was amazing incredible fantastic awesome!
Now, we must warn you, that this phone is the size of a house and will break at even the merest hint of a collision with a sponge. Which is why we offer a full money-back guarantee that if this happens before you’ve walked out of the shop where you’ve bought it, we’ll replace it immediately.
And of course don’t forget to keep this phone charged up. Its battery life is an estimated 35 seconds. Give or take.